Is Vashon Too Weird?
Backers of a controversial measure to rein in Vashon’s weirdness have produced enough signatures for the November ballot. The law would establish Vashon Island as a private community with a governing board,similar to an HOA. This board would have the authority to question persons on specific weirdness hotpoints,and judge whether they are “too” weird,according to a chart. If judged “too” weird the person(s) could then be fined and/or deported off island.
For instance,if your ten-year-old daughter enjoys skinning roadkill as a hobby,you’d be automatically charted as weird,just for giving birth to her,but if you simply name your kids after characters in The Lord of the Rings trilogy,you might qualify for arbitration.
The campaign was the brainchild of local activist Amber Waves,who found herself one day sitting next to a woman (at a Vashon café) who demanded Water Rights!
“I simply ordered a glass of filtered tap water,and the woman beside me went ballistic,” Ms. Waves told us in an exclusive interview.
“She said all living organisms have a right to live,and that I was messing with the universe’s natural order of things. She claimed I might be killing the very organisms that the universe intended to cure cancer! Or Republicanism! “
“I didn’t know what to say so I looked away,around the café,at the other patrons. And the room was full of men in handlebar mustaches. It was like being in a 70s porn flick,or a civil war battle reenactment.”
“That’s when I knew enough was enough. Vashon was finally getting too weird.”
“I’d already spent the morning dodging the guy who rides his pig to work and visiting a friend who trained her pet raccoon to brush her hair,so I was ripe for a meltdown. And it seems I’m not alone here.”
Indeed,the measure has divided Islanders. While many locals are trading in their “Keep Vashon Weird” stickers for “Vashon is Too Weird” stickers,an equal number of islanders can be seen sporting “Proud to be a Vashon Weirdo” T shirts.
We also spoke to the Honorary Mayor,who said she opposed the measure because Vashon has a long history of weirdness.
“We were settled by the weird and super-weird,“ she said,“it’s in our blood. I mean those were people who arrived to find thick forests of gigantic Fir trees and decided it would be a great place to farm!”
But Ms Waves doesn’t see bigotry here. “Look,I’m half weird myself. My dad was really weird,so this is not about hating. But the sheer volume and levels are overwhelming Vashon,and many of us are just weirded out!”
Some local businesspeople feel if the law passes the population of the island could drop by half,or more. Others are scratching their heads at just what should be considered weird on Vashon. In such a skewed environment could it not be said that what is “weird” elsewhere is not weird here at all,but the reverse? Some folks have even proposed a challenge measure to discharge anybody “not weird” from the island.
“Then we’d really have a situation,Mayor Thea said. We’d be ghettoized,like McNeil Island or the Island of Forgotten Toys. Do we really want that?”
“It’s probably unconstitutional anyway”,she continued. “And I’m embarrassed at the national publicity this has brought to our island. It just feels weird. Doesn’t it seem weird to you?”